I’ve said it over and over, ad nauseam, that the hardest thing about being a mom is the constant judgment. Once you have a child, even the previously well-restrained critic thinks s/he has a reason to interfere and offer an opinion. And people have opinions about EVERYTHING, starting the minute you conceive.
Is that coffee caffeinated? You’re not going to have an epidural are you? You’re going to give birth WHERE? What do you mean you don’t want to breastfeed? What do you mean, you want to breastfeed? Are you sure you don’t want to circumcise him? You’re going back to work? Don’t let that baby sleep in your bed, you’ll smother him. Don’t let the baby cry for a second. Give him rice cereal, he’ll sleep through the night. Don’t offer purees. Don’t offer REAL food, do you want him to CHOKE? Vaccinate. Don’t vaccinate. Be vigilant. Relax. Stick to a routine. Be flexible.
There are people who are pushy, who see the world in black and white, who haven’t updated their worldviews since they had their own children thirty years ago. There are people who are just flat out rude and lack understanding and empathy.
But that’s not who I want to talk about today. Those people are cringe-worthy, but every generation has them and though they make my heart shrivel up into a tiny dust ball of anxiety and insecurity, even I can mostly roll my eyes at them and move on.
The problem isn’t those people. The problem is the rest of us.
I’m talking about the pregnant woman who says all the right things about supporting everyone’s birth choices but secretly thinks I would never be induced. I’m not weak enough to get an epidural. I would never consent to a c-section.
I’m talking about moms whose eight-week-olds were sleeping through the night. They thought to themselves, I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about! only to have the rug ripped out from under them at four months when she starts waking five times a night.
Have you ever talked to someone whose words say “I support your choice to work outside the home” but whose eyes say Your baby grows so quickly, how are you okay with someone else raising him?
Who among us hasn’t had that smug moment? I know I have. One time, in the dark, in the middle of the night, I whispered to my husband Breastfeeding isn’t that hard, I don’t know what people are complaining about.
I have since been humbled. Humbled to my core.
It’s not about the vocal judgers. Not the condemners, or the people on your mommy message board who are all smug about their perfect little babies. The real work to be done lies within moms like myself, a secret judger, a woman who talks the talk about being accepting and understanding and compassionate, but has a nasty little voice in the back of her head that says but you should have tried harder, like I did. I am a better mom than you are.
I don’t for a moment believe I’m the only secret judger out there. We all have our smug moments, our superiorities, but I’m willing to guess that most of us have been cut down a notch from time to time. No one is perfect. Parenthood challenges the assumptions you have made – about children, marriage, nutrition, sleep, priorities, and about yourself.
In the end, we all need to work harder to believe – not to just say we believe, but to really, truly believe – that everyone knows her child best.
Until you have been there, through the night and into the wee hours of the morning, in the doctor’s office, crying in the shower wondering what on earth you are going to do next, how to make the best decision, how in god’s name you are supposed to know what is right for your child…
Until you have been THERE, you don’t get to have an opinion.
I am not an expert on parenting. But I am an expert on parenting my child. You are an expert on parenting your child. Now let’s all support each other – for real – as we yawn, pick Cheerios out of our hair, clean milk off our shirts, and smile.
Um, ouch. And wow. Well said. You are not alone…
Thing is, even if you’ve been “there”, there is not “here.” You are not me, your baby is not my baby. We each cope differently, have different support systems, etc. Our experiences are unique. Meaning, you still, technically, do not have permission to judge. Does that make sense? Understanding that each person’s world view and their ability to cope and their respective experiences are unique is something that was drilled into my education and professional experience as a social worker. Each person is the expert on his/her child, on his/her experience. You check your judgement at the door, man.
Still, I will own that I’ve participated in some secret judging, although I suppose it’s mostly been more of a passive judging. Like, when I was pregnant and read other bloggers’ accounts of their exasperation during those first few weeks home with their new baby, I remember thinking, “I will be fine. I have realistic expectations. I’ve educated myself. I’ve got this.” I wasn’t judging them for feeling overwhelmed or doubting their parenting capabilities (though some might see it that way). Instead, I was completely, unrealistically, and naively overreaching with my own sense of confidence and capability. Like you, I was quickly humbled after having my ass roundly handed to me by that tiny person. Same with breastfeeding. Same with toddler shenanigans. Time and again, I think “Ooooh, I can do that. I will manage that just fine.” And then, you know, I have those awful and deeply humbling moments–just like every other parent out there–when I fail spectacularly.
Since earlier this year I’ve expanded my blogging from the ALI community by contributing to a natural parenting blog. I’ve come up against a lot of that smugness you’ve referenced here, and it’s…frustrating. To say the least. It’s really uncomfortable to be associated with that perceived tone of smugness, and I feel like I am constantly qualifying my statements in an effort to impart that what I write about is MY experience and not some kind of prescription for what YOUR experience should be.
It does make sense. What I was trying to get at (and maybe wasn’t clear on) is that you are never “THERE” unless it’s your kid. My husband and I are the only experts on our own kid.
I constantly want to issue disclaimers. When I buy formula I wish I could wear a t-shirt that explains my entire breastfeeding journey.
The only way I can feel like I don’t have to constantly justify and explain myself is when I let go of the secret judging of others. I have found that, for my OWN survival, I HAVE to give all parents the benefit of the doubt that they try their hardest and do their best, always.
Yes! When I said “you”, I didn’t mean “you” as in Lulu. I meant it as the general “you.” I’m sorry if that was confusing.
This sentiment, I think, is comparable to the whole idea of the Pain Olympics in the ALI world. You simply cannot judge someone else’s journey. Just because you and I both went through IVF for our babies doesn’t mean our journeys were the same, amiright? 
And UGH. I hate it that anyone feels compelled to justify or disclaim something like buying formula. I still feel super twitchy about the whole “breast is best” campaign, and I say that as someone who has nursed for greater than two years. Best for whom? Best for what? At what cost?
Love this- very well said and something for us all to keep in mind!
(Oh and I am fully admitting to being a secret judger from time to time- both of other people and of myself…)
Me me me totally was they baby sleeps only for the rug to be pulled so hard my ass is hurting! Love this post!
So well said, and so convicting for all of us (I think). We all have our moments where we think we are doing it “right,” but really right is different for everyone.
Spot on, lady. Spot on. I generally feel like I’m not much of a judger because we have been in the position of being judged on most things (formula feeding, sleep training, etc.) but I realized the other day I have a secret judger mentality about one odd thing: I have a friend who has twins who are a few months old and she still uses a night nanny (which I never had). The other day she was expressing worry because her night nanny was out sick and she would have to take care of the babies herself for two whole nights. I couldn’t believe the amount of judgment that rose up within me- like seriously, you can’t manage two days when I could do it for weeks and months on end? I had to really check myself on that one! Great post!
Such a good post that we all needed to hear!!!
Thank you for writing this. As much as I try not to, I have definitely done secret judging from time to time. Because I don’t judge on topics like breastfeeding, co-sleeping, crying it out, at first glance I thought, ‘Nope, not me.’ then I read things like Gemini Momma’s comment above and realized that I have felt things like that in similar situations. Another one that I remember saying to Anthony early on was, “I hear mums always complaining that they don’t even have time to have a shower!! That is nonsense. You can always find time for a 5 minute shower! Babies have to sleep sometime!” and now I realize that some babies only sleep if they are held for the first few weeks or only in their parents beds ever or whatever it might be. There are so many different circumstance that we don’t always think about. I had a conversation with a friend last night actually which went with all of this. When I was a teenager I had a good friend whose sister breastfeed her daughter until she was 3 or 4 and I remember laughing and making jokes about this but now my friend joked with me the other day that it will be me now! I don’t know about breastfeeding myself until 3 or 4, but I certainly no longer judge others who do. We just don’t know. Thanks for writing this!!! 
oh I’ve been waiting to comment on this….I am a secret judger. I am THE secret judger. I can’t say I hold resentments against people and I certainly don’t comment out loud, unless I’m asked, “what did you do?” because I’m too afraid of being judged myself. But I do think, “wow! I could never do that.” Or “I would never do that” This links so closely to the news item on PAIL this past week. The unsolicited advice and secret judging I think go hand in hand. Again, when I was pregnant with Raegan, I would never even have thought to drink any alcohol. I didn’t drink any caffeine until I was 35 weeks pregnant, and that was by accident (ordered decaf coffee and got regular…after the gymnastics tourney ended in my ute I figured it out). I could never think to do an unmedicated birth because of how my body handles pain. I guess my judging is more of myself and my own inadequacies than of others. I’m jealous of those women who can drink coffee, eat soft cheeses or have unmedicated births. I’m jealous of women who can breastfeed without issue or resolve their issues. I’m jealous of women who are better moms than me.
Yes I’m terribly hard on myself. I have very high standards. I can’t manage to make it to my minimum standards and I see all these women who make it look so effing easy. I’m the mom saying, I should have tried harder. I should have done it this way. I should have held out longer on my epidural. I should have done this or that. I’m a terrible mom.
I really REALLY need to be a little less hard on myself. My ass has been handed to me by me, my child and every other mom out there. I wish I had a smug moment. OK I’ll admit it when I was on vacation and heard over and over how adorable my daughter was, I was was a little smug, but that’s genetics, nothing with how good or bad of a mom I am. But it was really nice to hear.
Thank you for posting this and sorry for the novel. But it is so imperative for us as moms, regardless of our ALI status, to recognize how different every one’s situation is. While flying and my child was screaming, I was so sure everyone on the flight was looking at me and wondering what kind of a horrible mom I was. On our flight home when my kid was happy, and there was another child screaming, I could only feel sympathy for the parents of that little screamer. Saying, I understand and I’m so sorry. Having a completely different perspective because of my experience. I couldn’t do anything to help. My remedies wouldn’t help that child’s parents because our situations were different. I knew that mom or dad was doing the best they could to settle their child. Just like I had on our previous flight.This is a wonderful post, and wonderfully written…thank you…
I really love & appreciate your posts.
Hi Lulu! Long time, no talk! I am GUILTYYYYYY of secret (or not so secret if you’re my husband…) judging. I liked this post a lot… for reasons I hope become clear in an upcoming, long over due blog post update this weekend.
xoxo.
MARE! How are you?! I can’t wait to read your blog post : )